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    Romney For Economic Recovery, Obama For More Publicity Stunts ...

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    The Funnies

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    February 17, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Hillary Clinton Wants To Accomplish On Her Trip Overseas

    10 Exchange U.S. dollars for currency that's worth something

    9 Win respect defeating Japan's top-ranked sumo wrestler

    8 Shift world's perception of America from "hated" to "extremely disliked"

    7 Personally thank all of her illegal campaign donors

    6 Three words: stylish Indonesian pantsuits

    5 Visit burial site of revered Chinese military leader, General Tso

    4 Get drunk with that Japanese finance minister guy

    3 Convince China to switch from lead-tainted products to mercury-tainted products

    2 Catch Chinese screening of Benjamin Button entitled "The Strange Adventures of Freaky Grandpa Baby"

    1 Pick up carton of duty-free smokes for Obama

    February 16, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Abraham lincoln Would Say If He Were Alive Today

    10 "Sup?"

    9 "I see Madonna's still a slut"

    8 "Who's that handsome sumbitch on the five?"

    7 "Is that free Grand Slam deal still going on at Denny's?"

    6 "I just changed my Facebook status update to, Tthe 'ol rail splitter is chillaxing'"

    5 "How do I get on 'Dancing with the Stars'?"

    4 "Okay, Obama, you're from Illinois, too. We get it!"

    3 "Hey Phelps, don't Bogart the weed!"

    2 "What's the deal with Joaquin Phoenix?"

    1 "A Broadway play? Uhhh, no thanks. I'm good."

    January 28, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Overheard at the Meeting Between Barack Obama and the Republicans

    10 "I miss the Clinton administration when we'd meet at Hooters"

    9 "Can we wrap this up? I've got tickets to the 4:30 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop"

    8 "Smoke break!"

    7 "You fellas really need to take it easy on the Old Spice"

    6 "Mr. President: don't misunderestimate the Republicans"

    5 "Another smoke break!"

    4 "What was the deal with Aretha Franklin's hat?"

    3 "About that tax the rich stuff -- you were joking, right?"

    2 "Sir, it's refreshing to have a Chief Executive who speaks in complete sentences"

    1 "Senator Craig's offering his stimulus package in the men's room"

    January 27, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Ways Rod Blagojevich Can Improve His Image

    10 Star in new television series, "America's Funniest Haircuts"

    9 Quit politics and become a fat, lovable mall cop

    8 Start pronouncing last name with Jerry Lewis-like "BLAGOOOYYYJEVICH"

    7 Offer a senate seat with no money down, zero percent interest

    6 Team up with John Malkovich and Erin Brockovich for hot Malkovich-Brockovich-Blagojevich sex tape

    5 Change his name to Barod Obamavich

    4 Safely land an Airbus on the Hudson River

    3 I don't know...how about showing up for his impeachment trial?

    2 Wear sexy dresses, high heels and say, "You Betcha!"

    1 Uhhh...resign?

    January 16, 2000 - David Letterman - Top Ten Signs Obama's Getting Nervious

    10 New slogan: "Yes we can... or maybe not, it's hard to say"

    9 In moment of confusion, requested a $300 billion bailout from the bailout industry

    8 He's up to not smoking three packs a day

    7 Friends say he's looking frail, shaky and...no, that's McCain

    6 He's so stressed, doctors say he's developing a Sanjay in his Gupta

    5 Been walking around muttering, "What the hell have I gotten myself into?"

    4 Offered Governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, $100,000 to buy his old Senate seat back

    3 Standing on White House roof screaming, "Save us, Superman!"

    2 Sweating like Bill Clinton when Hillary comes home early

    1 He demanded a recount

    January 8, 2000 - David Letterman - Top Ten Barack Obama Plans To Fix The Economy

    10 Encourage tourists to throw spare change in the Grand Canyon

    9 End our dependence on foreign owls

    8 Sell New Mexico to Mexico

    7 Put a little of that bailout money on the Ravens plus 3 at Tennessee. Come on! It's a mortal lock!

    6 Rent out the moon for weddings and Bar Mitzvahs

    5 Lotto our way out of this son-of-a-bitch

    4 Appear on "Deal or No Deal" and hope to choose the right briefcase

    3 Bail out the adult film industry -- not sure how it helps, but it can't hurt

    2 Release O.J. from prison, have him steal America's money from China

    1 Stop talkin' and start Obama-natin'!

    January 7, 2000 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Overheard At The Presidents' Lunch

    10 "Sorry, you're not on the list, Mr. Gore"

    9 "If Hillary calls, I've been here since Monday"

    8 "Laura! More Mountain Dew!"

    7 "You guys wanna see, 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop'?"

    6 "Call the nurse -- George swallowed a napkin ring!"

    5 "Hey Barack, wanna go with us to Cabo in March? Oh that's right, you have to work!"

    4 "Kissey kissey"

    3 "Obama? I think he's downstairs smoking a butt"

    2 "Did you ever see a monkey sneezing?"

    1 "I hope Clinton's unbuckling his belt because he's full"

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    • 29 October 2012
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